Lesson 2 - yourself
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Listen to a recording of a Metta retreat by Rob Burbea:
Implement one or two things in your Metta practice. We will discuss what you have experimented next lesson.
The recording is quite long, it can help to do ten minutes listening before your Metta practice. This also gives you the opportunity to transfer what you have learned into the practice.
You can find the recording here:
For those of you that are struggling with the Inner Critic, I also have another recording that is really nice. It is optional, but might be interesting. You can find that here:
Every day:
Practice Metta on the benefactor and yourself
Take at least a few minutes to arrive. You could also do a short concentration meditation as a warming up.
Practice 5 minutes of Metta on the benefactor.
Practice 10 minutes of Metta on yourself.
On Inside Timer you can add interval bells to your session, that can help with dividing up your meditation.
Ending with gratitude:
Every meditation see if you can end with 3 things you're grateful for + find the need this thing is fulfilling.
Share 1 of these things with your gratitude buddy.
Practicing listening
Listening is an informal way to cultivate the bramhaviharas.
Specifically Karuna, or compassion, this ability to meet your pain and that of others is actively cultivated when we practice listening. Listening can be this intimate meeting of other peoples pain.
But also Muditate, or appreciative joy, this ability to enjoy other peoples fortunes is actively cultivated when we practice listening. Listening can be this intimate meeting of other peoples joy.
The majority of active listening is doing two things:
Listening in silence, without words (nodding, or aha-ing is fine of course)
Being present, giving the other person your undivided attention. This makes listening quite similar to meditation, whenever you want to judge something or want to add, bring yourself back to the other person. Openness of heart is incredibly fragile, treat is as something that is incredibly precious. It is!
Sometimes the listening needs a little bit of help, that is why it's called active listening. But again, remember, when you're listening, you're not adding.
Making sure you understand what has been said
Paraphrasing and clarifying
Repeating what you have heard
All of these are very difficult. Someone might be saying: "I think I'm ugly, because of..." and you might responding with "I hear that you're judging yourself harshly." But when you do, you're evaluating and adding, when this person is saying "I think I'm ugly", they don't think "I'm judging myself harshly". When you repeat, repeat what is there: "You think you're ugly, because..."
Guessing feelings and needs.
"Are you afraid and feeling unsafe?"
"Do you feel unwanted?" or "It sounds like you feel unwanted, am I hearing that correctly?"
"It sounds like you have a need to be accepted, am I hearing that correctly?"
You might guess wrong, that is fine. You're showing genuine interest, you really want to learn what is alive in the other person.
Some people, when they go into the active listening mode, think they should become a psychologist or a therapist—don't!
We're not trying to fix the other person by listening.
We're not waiting until there is space to fix the other person.
Just be a human being, listening and connecting with another human being.
Listening and talking is something you could spend the next ten years exploring, because it has incredible depth and can really help to connect with others and yourself. Most Buddhist work on this seems to be a little static, that is why I highly recommend the video below. If you follow his instructions to the letter, your conversations might become a little weird, but he makes some good points.
It is the same practice as with the benefactor but with a few extra things you can try.
When you first arrive at yourself, you can remind yourself, that just like the benefactor, you also deserve happiness. Just like the benefactor you also deserve to be happy. And after doing that you can continue with the classic sentences.
"Just like my teacher/cat/friend, I also deserve to be happy. May I be happy."
"Just like my teacher/cat/friend, I also deserve to be healthy. May I be healthy."
"Just like my teacher/cat/friend, I also deserve to be safe. May I be safe."
"Just like my teacher/cat/friend, I also deserve to live with ease. May I live with ease."
But for some people this might be too difficult. So, you can try this alternative:
When you first arrive at yourself, you can remind yourself, that the benefactor wishes you happiness. That the benefactors wishes that you to be healthy. And after that you continue doing the classic sentences.
"My teacher/cat/friend, also wishes me to be happy. May I be happy."
But sometimes, the sentences, may I be happy, may I be healthy, might be too difficult. Then you can try replacing them with:
"May I learn to wish myself to be happy."
"May I learn to wish myself to be healthy.
And when that becomes easier, you can switch to the classic sentences. Try to really connect with your own needs. Don't push yourself too much, you can always take a step back, maybe return to the breath if it is too difficult.
