Lesson 5 - difficult people
Homework
Forgiveness meditation
Metta including the difficult person
Gratitude + need practice
Forgiveness definition
Wikipedia has a surprisingly good definition:
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance (however justified it might be). —Wikipedia
Me paraphrasing: Forgiveness is an act of letting go. We try to let go of all the negative emotions and resentment towards an offender, however justified they might be. You're not doing this for the offender, you're doing this for yourself, because holding these emotions and resentment is extremely unenjoyable.
And then Wikipedia goes on to specify what it doesn't mean:
It doesn't mean you have positive emotions towards the offender.
It doesn't mean you condone the actions of the offender, the actions are still wrong.
It doesn't mean you excuse the actions of the offender. The offender is still responsible for the actions.
It doesn't mean you forget what happened.
It doesn't mean you have to reconcile with the offender. You don't have to become friends with the offender or have a normal relationship with the person.
The core of forgiveness is just this act of letting go and opening up to other states of mind, like joy, love, kindness and trust.
Foregiveness meditation
You say one of the three phrases, and then try to forgive whatever comes up. You don't have to generate anything, just work with whatever arises. Also, work with kindness—you can use all the moves from Heart Work by Rob Burbea.
“If I have hurt or harmed anyone, knowingly or unknowingly, may they forgive me.”
May you forgive me
“If anyone has hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive them.”
"I forgive you."
"I wish to learn to forgive you."
"I'm not ready to forgive you, yet." or "Not yet."
“For all of the ways I have hurt or harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive myself
"I forgive myself."
"I wish to learn to forgive myself."
"I'm not ready to forgive myself, yet." or "Not yet."
The difficult person
Introducing the difficult person is basically the same as any other person. But we really, really want you to keep the following in mind:
Some people tend to systematically choose people that are too difficult. They do this for many different reasons. Sometimes they feel that they should be able to. Sometimes they feel obliged to the people they're sending it. We understand this and we love you, but please stop doing it. Two analogies why:
The campfire analogy: Metta is like building a nice and cozy campfire. When you start a fire you need the easiest stuff to start it. Tiny twigs, some leafs and then, little by little, you start adding the bigger stuff. If you want to build a campfire, you will never get it started using a big wet mossy log.
The gym analogy: Doing Metta is just like going to the gym. If you go there and you pick up the biggest weights, you won't get strong. You will only hurt yourself.
If you always choose people that are very difficult. Don't worry, it's normal. But if you keep doing it, you will never get the fire starting. So, please stop doing it. If you're really want to develop Metta, work with the easy people. Today is a great day to try again :)
So, also when we work with the difficult person, we start with the easiest difficult person:
People on electric bikes
People that cut in line
Someone that always eats with their mouth open
Or pigeons that live on your balcony, that always wake you up early
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